So you are finally there. Your dreams are at the door. Knocking gently, then loudly. It’s time for all your hard work to come rolling into your lap. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for, right?
Or this is the moment of total freak out.
So in just a few weeks, my book will finally be arriving into the public hands. Yes, the long-awaited “first novel” will be hitting Amazon, leaving me with only a few short weeks left.
To panic. To perspire. Or to pull the plug on the whole deal.
Which I won’t. Mostly. But you see, while authorship is the dream many writers pine after, actually receiving that dream is a whole different story.
And a story that can scare you pantsless.
My book is a little bit about being pantsless. About the embracing and shedding of holy spandex, in a God, sex, and yoga kind of way. And, the book is about mothers. As mothers are the ones that inform us how to participate in the above listed “activities.”
As a child, my mother always taught me that anything was possible. She also always told me to be careful what you wish for, as it just may come true. Both go hand in hand. Miracles happen everyday but do we really want them? Are we ready for how they will rock our souls, change our schedules, and flatten our safely paved plans. Even in small issues, like moral character. We wish for growth but are we ready to actually change? We all want to be kinder people, but in actuality, watch out. Pray for kindness and your pathway will fill up with annoying friends, the kind that help you ooze the last drop of compassion you didn’t think you have. We say we want greater patience? Well, prepare for the universe to throw lots of traffic at you. And old women one cart ahead of you in Trader Joe’s, counting every coupon only to realize Traders Joe’s doesn’t taken coupons.
And neither do you.
There is no shortcut to success. No paved path that hands you your dreams on a silver platter with an instruction packet of which fork to use. There is only trial. And lots of error. The latter of which you learn the most from, the former of which takes the longest. Trial is an arduous road where you learn your painstaking process on the unpaved path to publication. Error is way quicker than process; it’s a faster learning curve, as you watch your words blow up in flames. Give me trial, throw me errors…
But please don’t give me success. That one leaves me sweating.
You see, writers don’t write for success. We want readers, but we don’t really want to be noticed. You can read our books, but please don’t look at us. That’s why we hide behind pages. We don’t write for the red carpet; we write to stay sane. Because without putting down words on paper, we have no idea what we are doing, how we are living, or if any of this really matters. “How can I know what I think until I see what I say?” wrote E.M. Forster and he was right. Those of us who take up the pen in our hands daily do so, not because we are any more literary or brilliant than the rest, but because we have brain fog. Without writing, we forget half our lives. Or at least I do. Just last week, in the very month I will launch myself into authorship, I woke up and realized I had no idea what day it was. Or how I spent the night before. Or the night before last.
And I didn’t have too much wine. Or even Alzheimer’s.
I simply had run out of pages in my journal. And had been too busy to buy a new moleskin.
Either way, for all of us, the days pour on quickly whether or not we are paying attention, however it is you pay attention and remember. Or fail to. And either way, if a dream is your goal, eventually the day will arrive where your dream is here. Or almost here.
And if the dream is worth doing, it will make you run and hide.
My family has a long history of fears of failing, but my mother and I share one thing: a great fear of success. If we (all) knew how powerful we could really become, it would terrify us. It could mean that all of our life, we had been living in the shadows, staring at the silhouettes on Plato’s cave, afraid of the light outside. It would mean, simply, we had to stop being lazy. Stop pressing snooze. Start showing up in our lives. It’s easy to claim ignorance. In some ways, its even easy to fail. Sure, it hurts, but wounds keeps us human.
But success? What is more frightening than that. What if mother was right, that we really could do anything, that we really were children of God. That we really all are superstars, even if only to those who love us.
But that’s enough.
“You see, our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,” wrote Marianne Williamson. And she was right. And while I’m no expert on stepping into my power, I am pretty darn experienced at running away from it. And being afraid. So for all those out there who, like me, would like to push through, to open tenderly to their dream when it is knocking at the door, I’ll share with you my own process of the last few weeks:
How to Face a Pending Dream: I’ll speak to the dream of authorship, but feel free to fill in your dream here. Whether its to start a business, join the circus, have a child, start a business on raising circus babies, etc, etc, etc. Here’s how the process goes. And, like my book, it’s a little bit orgasmic:
Pant: For more info on panting see my prior blog of “How to Quit Life, Write a Book, Go Mad.” Your dream begins with a longing, a feeling of NOW, a inner kick of God saying, “Get off your shiny butt and do something with your talent.” Getting in touch with this panting is key as you will need the fury to…
Sweat: In this stage, you will feel like you are actually doing all the hard work. And you are. You are writing the first draft, making the business plan, picking out baby names for the future offspring. Maybe even attempting to conceive such offspring. Either way, there is a lot of sweating. You have your 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration and together, thank you Albert Einstein, you have your genius. Prepare now to…
Cry: You will do lots of this for joy when you are done with sweating. Because you will have realized the sweat was the easy work. You thought it was hard to build your dream, but no one told what it would be like to stare at the finished product. Now it’s time to get real. Your book is done, it’s ready to launch, and what if it’s crap? What if no one buys into your Raising Kids in the Circus Parenting Venture? What if it’s all been for naught? Are you alone? Who is with you? Who will laugh at you and should you back out now and throw the book into the ocean or bury it in your yard? You have lots of choices, and nothing left to do but…
Tremble: Because you need to. Because at the end of the fury,you are not left empty handed but have created something entirely yours. Except it’s not yours. It was a download process from the Genius beyond you, the Creator who co-created with you, the Divine power that breathed into you and made you come alive. And you are now alive. This is why you are here and there is no turning back. Other people have heard of your sweating. Your close friends have listened to your crying. Your readers have backed you on Kickstarter. People are now waiting to hear from you, as you stand backstage to trying not to…
Twitch: Because it’s awkward. You are awkward. After all, that’s why you are a writer. We do it to be anonymous, to have people hear us without ever having to face them face to face. But to get your dream realized, you can’t hide. Not your twitches. Your awkwardness. Your strange smells. Your blood, sweat, and hangups. Writing is only good if it’s honest, which means if you have made art worth its salt, you have been honest. And now people are ready to watch. And read. And gawk. Cue the nightmare where you are in a room full of people staring at you naked. It’s now time to…
Hold your breath: Take one final inhale to prolong the moment. The lights are coming up and the timing is coming together and you and all your support are together, in one final dance, ready to build up, open up, open jawed, heart agape, full body quiver as you send it down to the press..
Release: Selah. It is in. It is out. It is finished. It is time to lay down on the sheets and simply surrender. Embrace it. Let yourself be embraced back. Close your eyes and wipe your brow. Hear your heart beating in your breast, your voice pounding in your ears. Your dream beading down your back. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. So let it rapture you. Let it hold you. Let it lay you down to rest.
To join me in this trembled climax, visit the book trailer here and order your pre-lease copy now by October 1. We are almost at at our goal, with just a few more friends. But most of all, join yourself please. And remember to just keep dreaming.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/thevirginasanas/the-virgin-asanas-a-quirky-travelogue-spiritual-me?ref=live
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